I Care, and That’s Enough

This is the first step. And I will admit, putting my voice out there into the public sphere is very scary for me. Let me tell you why.

I was at an anime convention many years ago that took place in Wisconsin. I was still traveling for work and I had moved my home base to the west coast earlier that year but had yet to find my own housing so I had been crashing with some very generous friends while I was taking contracts working on cruise ships. I had some time between contacts because the holidays were coming so I decided that I could reroute my return flight over to see my friends, Jill, Melissa, and Sarah in Iowa and carpool with them to this convention in Wisconsin. I had cleared the plan with them and I was excited to see everyone again. They were people I felt emotionally very close to since they helped me when I made my move across the country to the west coast. We were rooming with some friends of theirs Nikki and Steph whom I had been acquainted with prior and I was hopeful and excited to get to know them more since they seemed like a fun crew. So, after arriving and getting settled, we were all sitting together at this nice large round table and everyone could see one another and we were just chatting and catching up. I was feeling a little insecure because it was my first time having a prolonged conversation with Nikki and Steph and when we saw them they seemed polite but overall less than thrilled to see that I was with the Iowa girls. For sensitive folks like myself, it’s the little differences that we usually notice like a change in energy levels, or a friendly greeting that seems forced, a slight difference in how they treat people they like versus how they treat you. It may seem like “reading too far” into the situation but sensitivity is kind of my superpower so for me it’s not subtle, it’s obvious, and that was the kind of greeting I received upon arrival. So, because of that, I was feeling somewhat insecure about trying to talk too much when we were all gathered around the table. I kept telling myself that perhaps I misread it or that they were stressed from travel or something related to the convention and I challenged myself to try and talk and tell more stories at the table even though I wasn’t confident. But you know that moment when you and another person try to tell a story at the same time and one person just naturally quiets down for the other? Well, I chose not to quiet myself and push through hoping someone was listening, and it turned out, Nikki was but not in the way I had hoped. She turned to me and with a disgusted look on her face she said “Ugh, nobody cares!” and turned back to the larger conversation. No one else has heard her. It shook me down to my core since I was already feeling vulnerable and insecure. From that moment on I felt trapped in this hotel room with these people and not welcome in the slightest.

Now was I being oversensitive? Yes, I probably was. But at the same time, Nikki was being inconsiderate and rude. There were other small incidents during that weekend that had me feeling like I was being tolerated and not accepted. In the end, I didn’t go back to that event, and I only really keep in contact with Jill now since she was the only one who patiently listened to me after everything was over. She took the time to see and hear me and she apologized for her complacency with Nikki and Steph’s attitudes towards me during the weekend.

So why tell you this story? It’s just one of many examples of people telling me to be quiet, or that no one cares about my stories or my experiences, or my voice. My childhood is filled with memories of people telling me to shut up or making me feel bad for expressing myself. It’s made me very anxious about using my voice and putting myself out there, even in blog form. But I do not want to listen to my anxiety anymore. I want to share my ideas with you because I believe that what I’ve learned from working through my traumas might be able to help someone. And this is my first step. Because I care. I care about my voice, and that’s enough.

What will your first step be? Don’t know where to start? Talk to yourself like you are talking to the 8-year-old you. Do it. Right now. Say “Hello. I will take care of you now. You don’t need to worry.”

Tell them what you needed to hear so long ago. Tell the 8-year-old you that they are worth listening to and that their voice and feelings matter just as much as anybody else. Tell them that you will care for them now and that they’re going to be all right. Say it out loud. Do that every day if you need to. It may feel silly or strange to you now, but over time you can rewrite your self-talk from “Ugh, nobody cares!” to “I care. You’ve got this.” and make your daily conversation with yourself positive and encouraging. You deserve it.

Next post we will start to tackle some travel “how to’s” to help you prepare for your next trip!

 Comment with your first step today and let’s celebrate your wins!

-Kristen